Dealing with Toxic Guilt and Shame – why setting boundaries can feel impossible
Growing up in a collectivistic culture and society can feel like a delicate balancing act. On one hand, there’s a deep sense of loyalty to family and community. On the other, there’s pressure to succeed, be independent, and fit into the broader world around you.
This balancing act can create powerful feelings of toxic guilt and shame—especially when it comes to setting boundaries.
Why Do We Feel SO Guilty for Setting Boundaries?
In many collectivistic cultures, boundaries are often misunderstood. You may have been taught that saying “no” or asserting yourself is selfish or ungrateful. This can create a deep fear that you’re letting down your family or rejecting your culture.
Common fears might sound like:
“What if I lose my loved ones?”
“What if they think I don’t care about them anymore?”
“What if I’m seen as disrespectful or ungrateful?”
These fears are valid and come from a place of wanting to protect relationships that matter to you. But they can also keep you trapped in cycles of over-giving, self-neglect, and burnout.
Toxic guilt often makes you feel like you’re responsible for everyone’s happiness—while shame tells you that you’re failing if you put your own needs first. These feelings are powerful, but they don’t have to define your choices.
Why Boundaries Matter – And How They Help Us Show Up Fully
Boundaries are not about pushing people away. They’re about creating a more honest and sustainable way to care for yourself and your relationships.
Healthy boundaries:
Protect your emotional and mental wellbeing.
Clarify what’s okay for you and what’s not.
Reduce resentment and burnout—so you can show up with more love and presence.
When you honor your needs, you’re not rejecting your family or your culture. You’re making it possible to be more present, more authentic, and more engaged with your loved ones in a way that feels true and sustainable.
If you feel toxic guilt and shame when you even think about setting a boundary, you’re not alone.
These feelings are often woven through generations of cultural and family dynamics.
Here are a few gentle reminders for this journey:
Boundaries are not betrayals. You can honor your family’s values while also honoring yourself.
Your needs are not a burden. Taking care of yourself allows you to care for others in a healthy way.
Boundaries create space for connection. They help you show up in relationships without losing yourself.
Setting boundaries takes courage and practice. It also requires compassion for the fears and worries that arise.
If you’re struggling with toxic guilt, shame, or the fear of setting boundaries with those you love, therapy can help. Together, we can explore the cultural and generational influences shaping your identity and support you in creating healthier, more authentic relationships.
Schedule a consultation today to learn how therapy can help you and your loved ones build stronger, more balanced connections—without losing sight of who you truly are.
About the Author
Raisa Luther is a clinical psychologist based in London, specialising in helping individuals navigate complex family dynamics. She supports clients in exploring their cultural and generational influences to build healthier, more authentic connections. She is passionate about empowering people to honor their needs while staying connected to their roots.
