“Am I in a relationship with a narcissist?” : A Clinical Guide to Gaslighting, Coercive Control, and Psychological Harm
Many people arrive at my practice after typing “narcissistic meaning” into Google late at night. Not because they want to diagnose someone, but because they are trying to make sense of a relationship that has started to feel confusing, destabilising, and emotionally unsafe.
As a clinical psychologist, I want to say this clearly: you do not need a diagnosis to validate your experience.
In therapy, the most important question is not “Is this person a narcissist?” The more clinically useful question is: what is happening to you, and how has it changed you over time?
Terms like narcissistic personality disorder, gaslighting, and coercive control are increasingly used online. Sometimes they are used accurately. Sometimes they become shorthand for “someone who hurt me.” This article is here to bring clarity—without turning mental health language into an insult.
Narcissistic meaning: what people often mean in real life
In everyday use, narcissistic usually refers to a pattern where one person consistently prioritises their needs, comfort, and image, while minimising or dismissing the other person’s feelings.
In my clinical work, clients often describe experiences such as:
feeling blamed for problems they did not create
being expected to apologise repeatedly, while the other person avoids accountability
feeling emotionally “smaller” over time
walking on eggshells around mood changes
being criticised in ways that sound subtle, but cut deeply
Case example: “Priya”
Priya (name changed) came to therapy saying, “I feel like I’ve lost my voice.” She wasn’t being shouted at. There were no obvious rules. But she noticed she had started rehearsing every conversation in her head before speaking, because she feared being mocked or told she was “too sensitive.” Over time, she stopped bringing up anything that mattered. Her relationship looked stable from the outside. Internally, she felt anxious and constantly tense.
This is often how narcissistic patterns present: not always dramatic, but consistently invalidating.
Narcissistic traits vs narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)
Not everyone who behaves selfishly has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Many people show narcissistic traits under stress or insecurity. Clinically, we take care not to over-pathologise normal human defensiveness.
Narcissistic traits may include:
needing admiration and reassurance
reacting badly to criticism
struggling to apologise
prioritising being right over being connected
low empathy when emotions feel inconvenient
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is more specific
NPD is a clinical diagnosis involving a pervasive, long-standing pattern of functioning, typically including:
grandiosity and entitlement
impaired empathy
exploitative behaviour
strong sensitivity to criticism
relationship difficulties rooted in control, admiration, or status
However, in therapy, the label is often less important than the impact. You can experience significant psychological harm without anyone meeting diagnostic criteria.The part many people miss: these relationships are often about power, not personality
A clinically important shift is to stop focusing only on “who they are” and start focusing on what they do—and what it does to you.
When you begin adjusting your behaviour to avoid conflict, criticism, or withdrawal, we often start seeing a pattern of control.
This is where coercive control becomes especially relevant.
Coercive control: what it looks like when it’s subtle
Coercive control is not always loud. It is often quiet, strategic, and psychologically exhausting. It involves repeated behaviours that restrict your autonomy and create fear-based compliance.
You might recognise coercive control when:
your choices start shrinking over time
you feel you must “behave correctly” to avoid consequences
disagreement leads to punishment (silence, rage, withdrawal, humiliation)
you begin managing their emotions as a survival strategy
Case example: “Amina”
Amina (name changed) described her partner as “protective.” At first, it felt caring. Over time, it became controlling: questioning what she wore, checking who she spoke to, criticising her friends, and making her feel guilty for wanting independence. Nothing looked extreme in a single moment. But cumulatively, she became isolated, anxious, and constantly second-guessing herself.
This is one of the most overlooked signs: the pattern becomes your lifestyle.
Gaslighting: when your reality becomes unstable
Gaslighting is a pattern of psychological manipulation where the other person repeatedly undermines your perception of reality. It is not a single disagreement. It is persistent distortion.
Gaslighting can sound like:
“That never happened.”
“You’re imagining things.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You always make everything a problem.”
“Everyone thinks you overreact.”
The clinical impact is significant because it attacks the foundation of psychological stability: self-trust.
Case example: “Daniel”
Daniel (name changed) came to therapy feeling “mentally foggy.” He was functioning at work, but constantly doubting himself in his relationship. He described apologising for things he didn’t understand and feeling confused after arguments. When we mapped it out, a pattern emerged: whenever he raised a concern, it was reframed as his insecurity, his flaw, his overreaction. Over time, he stopped trusting his memory and began relying on his partner to tell him what was “true.”
This is how gaslighting works: it doesn’t just upset you. It reorganises your mind around self-doubt.
Why it can be so hard to leave (even when you know it’s harmful)
From a psychological perspective, leaving is not simply a logical decision. These relationships often create emotional conditioning.
Clients may stay because:
the person alternates between warmth and cruelty (creating attachment confusion)
they still hope the “good version” will return
they feel responsible for making it work
they fear conflict, shame, or backlash
they’ve been taught that endurance equals strength
For South Asian and Global Majority clients, there may be additional layers: family expectations, community visibility, stigma, and the fear of being labelled difficult or disloyal. These are not “excuses.” They are real psychological and cultural pressures that shape decision-making.
How these dynamics affect mental health
Even when someone says, “It wasn’t abusive, it was just complicated,” the symptoms often tell a clearer story.
You might notice:
anxiety and hypervigilance
sleep disruption and racing thoughts
low mood or emotional shutdown
loss of confidence and chronic self-criticism
physical symptoms like jaw clenching, headaches, gut discomfort
difficulty trusting others afterwards
One of the most painful outcomes is feeling like you have become a smaller version of yourself.
What I recommend if you suspect gaslighting or coercive control
If you recognise these patterns, the goal is not to win arguments. It is to stabilise your reality.
Practical steps I often recommend include:
Document incidents privately (what happened, what was said, how you felt)
Track patterns, not isolated events
Notice what you are avoiding (topics, people, choices) to prevent fallout
Talk to someone safe who won’t minimise it
Stop trying to prove the truth to someone invested in distortion
Seek professional support to rebuild clarity, boundaries, and self-trust
If you feel unsafe or at risk, seek specialist domestic abuse support urgently.
How therapy can help
In therapy, the focus is not on diagnosing your partner. The focus is on strengthening you.
Therapy can help you:
reconnect with your internal sense of truth
reduce anxiety and nervous system activation
process grief, anger, fear, and shame safely
rebuild boundaries and self-worth
understand why you stayed without self-blame
make decisions from clarity rather than panic
This work is often deeply relieving, because many clients realise they weren’t “too sensitive.” They were adapting to an unsafe relational environment.
Brief summary
Narcissistic meaning often refers to entitlement, lack of empathy, and blame-shifting.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a clinical diagnosis and is not the same as narcissistic traits.
Coercive control is a pattern of domination that restricts your autonomy over time.
Gaslighting undermines your reality and creates chronic self-doubt.
You do not need a diagnosis to take your experience seriously—impact matters.
Book an intro call
If you’re questioning a relationship dynamic and want clinical, confidential support, you can book an introductory call with me. This is a calm space to explore what’s been happening, make sense of your experience, and consider what support would be most helpful.
