Why setting boundaries can feel like betrayal

If you've ever felt a lump in your throat at the thought of saying no to your parents, or guilt bubbling up when you carve out space for yourself, you're not alone. For many South Asians, especially those raised in Indian families or across the diaspora, setting boundaries can feel less like self-care and more like betrayal. But here's the truth: boundaries aren't rejection - they're a bridge to healthier, more respectful relationships.

As a clinical psychologist who specialises in working with South Asian clients, I’ve seen how deeply rooted family expectations can influence mental wellbeing. The very same values that bind us - loyalty, sacrifice, obedience - can also become barriers when we try to prioritise our emotional health. But there is a way forward, and you're not selfish for wanting it.

Why does it feel like betrayal?

In many South Asian households, love is expressed through togetherness: shared meals, shared decisions, and often, shared emotions. Individuality can be viewed as isolation. So when you set a boundary—whether it’s asking for privacy, saying no to an arranged marriage, or seeking therapy—it can be perceived as distancing yourself from the family unit.

For generations, our families have survived by staying tightly knit. This survival strategy becomes the blueprint for love, which means asserting your needs might trigger fears of disconnection or disrespect. It's not just about what you're asking for—it's how it’s interpreted by those around you.

The Emotional Toll

When boundary-setting feels like disobedience, many people experience anxiety, guilt, or shame. You might over-explain yourself, backtrack, or even abandon your needs altogether. Over time, this emotional suppression can lead to burnout, resentment, and low self-worth.

In therapy, I often hear clients say things like, “I don’t want to hurt them,” or “They did so much for me—I owe them.” These are valid feelings.

But here's a gentle reminder: you can appreciate your family's sacrifices and still honour your own mental health.

Healing the Guilt: A Family Systems Approach

Through family therapy and individual counselling, we can unpack where these beliefs come from and how to challenge them without destroying your connection to your roots. A family systems lens helps us see the bigger picture—not just how your parents respond, but how generations of conditioning shape your family’s emotional patterns.

By working with a therapist who understands Indian families and South Asian culture, you won’t need to explain why you call your parents ten times a week, or why saying “I need space” feels unimaginable. You’ll be met with cultural understanding, not judgment.

Online Therapy That Understands You

You don’t have to choose between your culture and your mental health. You can integrate both, thoughtfully and compassionately. As a UK-based psychologist offering online therapy, I provide a space that honours your heritage andyour individuality.

In sessions, we’ll explore practical ways to set boundaries that align with your values—ways to say “I love you, but I also need this for myself.” We’ll work on emotional regulation, communication strategies, and self-validation. You’ll learn how to cope with the initial discomfort while building long-term emotional resilience.

And if you’re considering involving your family in the process, family therapy can be a powerful tool to improve communication, reduce conflict, and foster mutual respect. When facilitated by a therapist who understands the intricacies of South Asian family dynamics, even the most sensitive conversations can lead to healing.

Why Work With Me?

There are countless therapists out there—but not all understand what it means to grow up hearing “log kya kahenge?” (What will people say?) or managing the pressure of being the “good child.” My training and experience working with South Asian clients in the UK allows me to offer culturally informed therapy that resonates with your lived experience.

Whether you're navigating intergenerational trauma, identity confusion, or simply need help managing boundaries in your daily life, I bring both professional expertise and cultural empathy to our sessions.

If you’re based in the UK and looking for therapy that sees you—all of you—I invite you to schedule a consultation. It’s a no-pressure space to ask questions, share your concerns, and see if we’re a good fit.

You Deserve to Take Up Space

Setting boundaries is not betrayal. It’s a powerful act of self-respect—and it can be done with kindness, clarity, and care. Therapy is not about blaming your family. It’s about healing yourself so you can show up authentically, both within your family and outside of it.

If you’re ready to explore this journey with support, I’m here to walk beside you.

About the Author

Raisa Luther is a registered Clinical Psychologist based in London, UK, offering virtual therapy services for South Asians across the UK. She helps individuals, couples and families move from rupture to repair using compassionate and solution focussed techniques.